


The Laws of the Land, And of Science

by Irhaboggles



Category: Danger Mouse (Cartoon 1981), Danger Mouse (Cartoon 2015)
Genre: BBC, British, Court, Danger, Funny, Humor, One Shot, Parody, Science, Short, cartoon, dm - Freeform, mouse - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 20:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20645411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irhaboggles/pseuds/Irhaboggles
Summary: When DM is put on trial for tampering with an experiment, who should wind up as his lawyer but Professor Squawkencluck! Oh what a weird and wacky adventure this dynamic duo is in for today! And this time, it is not happening in a lab or a lair, but in a courtroom...





	The Laws of the Land, And of Science

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zarius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarius/gifts).

"Oh, honestly! I don't know why everyone here is acting like it's such a big deal! We have lab accidents all the time and I've never had to be called to court before! Who on Earth decided to start pressing charges _now_? Don't they know that lab accidents are part of the comedy within our show?!" Danger Mouse griped as he waited impatiently in his seat in the local Science Court. Science Court. Pah! That didn't even sound like a real thing! It honestly probably wasn't. It was probably all just something cooked up to "scare" him into being good, or some similar nonsense! But there was no way it was real! It just sounded too stupid!

Danger Mouse rolled his eye again, heaving a large and disdainful sigh as he slouched in his seat. No one had even shown up yet! This was supposed to be a big trial and yet he was the only one here!

"Honestly, it was just a few small beakers!" Danger Mouse continued to complain to the empty room. What had gotten him in this jam in the first place was yet another lab accident. But it wasn't even that big of an accident! And like he'd already said, they had lab accidents all the time! It was part of their show! So why _this _accident was suddenly being dragged to court was beyond him.

"It's all complete and utter nonsense!" the mouse repeated firmly, still very cross.

Right at that moment, then, the court doors finally swung open. It was Jellyfishowitz, rolling in in his signature glass tank.

"Jellyfishowitz? What are you doing here?" Danger Mouse asked in surprise as the jellyfish rolled himself to the front of the courtroom.

"I'm the judge. Isn't that obvious?" the jellyfish asked. When Danger Mouse only continued to look genuinely surprised, Jellyfishowitz heaved a long-suffering sigh. "Danger Mouse, I am the head of all things scientific here at the Danger Agency, of course I am the judge of the Science Court too! Was that not obvious?" he asked. "Besides, because I am lacking a face, I also lack facial expressions which means that I am the best person to go to if one wants an impartial judge," he added and Danger Mouse had to agree with him on that.

"But, it's not that," Danger Mouse replied, twiddling his thumbs awkwardly. "I just mean that, well, how are you supposed to use a gavel?"

For a moment, there was a pause, as if even Jellyfishowitz hadn't considered this little stumbling block. But then he shrugged two of his tentacles before pushing another button inside his tank and a gavel sound echoed the courtroom.

"Ah," Danger Mouse nodded.

Only a few seconds later, then, Professor Squawkencluck entered the court as well.

"Squawk?" once again, Danger Mouse was genuinely surprised. "Oh! Don't tell me you've come here to laugh at me or give me another lecture!"

"No! I'm your lawyer, you ninny!" she growled at him before taking a seat by his side.

"My lawyer?" Danger Mouse sounded surprised and… offended? "I can handle myself, thank you very much! I don't need anyone representing me! After all, who could possibly represent me better than, well, _me_?" he puffed out his chest. "I don't need anyone's help but mine!" he cried.

Professor Squawkencluck responded by heaving a huge sigh and rolling her eyes, slapping her forehead with her wing. She had a feeling that this was how Dimwitted Mouse would react when he found out that she was going to be his lawyer. Of course his ignorance and arrogance would convince him of the ridiculous notion that he could handle himself alone in court. He knew nothing of the legal system! He'd sink here faster than a boulder in water! And he would be just as dense and mindless as that boulder too! Professor Squawkencluck was sorely tempted to swat him with her wings until she beat it into his thick skull that he needed her today more than ever, but she wisely held back. He was not the one she was fighting today. She had to save her energy for the plaintiff, not her own defendant, even if she wanted sorely to beat both of them into a pulp.

"Wait. You mean, it wasn't you who accused me?" Danger Mouse asked a second later, the implications around Professor Squawkencluck being his lawyer finally sinking in. Of course, at first, he'd assumed it had been her to accuse him because, after all, who would have more evidence of his laboratory mishaps than her? But apparently not.

"Not this time," she replied grimly.

"Then who-?" and for the third time in the last five minutes, the doors swung open and Danger Mouse was left stunned.

"Isambard King Kong Brunel!" he gasped. Then his face fell into a deadpanned expression of disbelief. "Oh, you've got to be joking!"

"All rise!" a voice from the side suddenly boomed, scaring everyone into silence. It was a very large, intimidating robot.

"How did we miss that?" Danger Mouse whispered as everyone stood up. It was the bailiff, and he already looked very good at his job.

"The honorable Judge Jellyfishowitz presiding!" yeah, that guard bot was a very fearsome chap to say the least.

"Be seated," Jellyfishowitz said a moment later. Everyone sat back down. "Is the plaintiff ready to proceed?"

"Yes, your honor," Brunel stood up smartly, a smug look on his face. Danger Mouse growled softly at him but a small, sharp poke from one of Professor Squawkencluck's talons kept it from going any further than that.

"You see, your honor, I had rented out a timeslot to use your marvelous facilities, and you can check the documentation if you don't believe me, and I was right in the middle of my work when that stupid Danger Mouse came barreling in! He kept poking and prodding at everything and he simply refused to leave! He thought I was up to no good! What an unfair judgement, your honor! I was only there to work! Like I said, check the documentation if you don't believe me! I had rented the lab out properly and I was following all the rules and regulations on the contract! But Danger Mouse was making unwarranted assumptions and when I tried to have him removed, he attacked me!"

"I did not-!" Danger Mouse began, but another, harder kick from Professor Squawkencluck, shut him up again.

"As I was saying…" Brunel continued, casting a glare at the interruptive mouse. "I tried to have him removed from the lab, but he attacked me for it and during our battle, he launched himself onto my table full of rare and valuable chemicals, destroying them all! He ruined everything I had been working on and for no reason other than his own faulty suspicions! And I demand justice for that!" the monkey finished with a final harrumph.

"Does the defendant have anything to say?" Jellyfishowitz addressed Danger Mouse as Brunel retook his seat, still looking very smug.

"Yes, your honor, I do!" Danger Mouse began, voice convicted as he stood tall, but Professor Squawkencluck quickly dragged him back down.

"Hey!" he complained, but she ignored him as she stood up in his place, giving the official statement herself.

"Your honor, while I do admit that my client is rather… stubborn, I am sure I can provide ample evidence to you that the damage done by his mishap was simply that: a mishap. There was no ill intent in what he had done. Contrary to what Mr. Brunel says, my client did not destroy his chemicals on purpose or with a malicious end goal. It was simply an accident that happened during the heat of battle."

Then Professor Squawkencluck proceeded to prattle on about all the reasons how and why Danger Mouse's damage was the result of an accident, not a targeted attack. Among other things, Professor Squawkencluck assessed the speed and angle with which Danger Mouse had struck the table, insisting that if he had really been trying to mess with Brunel's work, he would've hit them at a far more direct angle and with more force. She had surveillance footage brought in to show exactly how Danger Mouse collided with the table and, from that, was able to calculate all manner of facts, figures and numbers in attempt to prove Danger Mouse's innocence. Although Danger Mouse had landed with his hands out, Professor Squawkencluck was insistent that he had only done this to try and catch himself, not because he was trying to push the chemicals off the table.

"Oh good grief!" Danger Mouse sulked as he watched the hen lead the others in what was perhaps the world's most extreme, far-fetched and complicated math/physics lesson ever. It was bitterly boring and crazily confusing and Danger Mouse found it just a tad annoying that even though this was _his _trial, he had yet to speak a word in his own defense! What did Professor Squawkencluck think he was? A child? No! He could speak for himself! But she simply refused to let him.

So he continued to sit there and pout, rolling his yellow eye in boredom with the proceedings. It was all a lot of mumbo jumbo if you asked him! Though he supposed that made sense given that it was a Science Court. Of course they'd use math over testimony, and science over legality. Of course, the court did still deal with legal matters. It dealt with both the laws of the land and of science, but the trial was nothing like what Danger Mouse had seen on TV. Though he had to admit that most court scenes on TV were highly inaccurate.

Come to think of it, that's probably what all of this was! It was just a mandatory "court AU" where the characters inexplicably wound up in some sort of trial! Pah! How silly and uncreative! And he had no doubt that the writer of this particular scenario had no idea how a real court ran either, hence the decisions to make it a "science court", thereby overriding any inaccuracies within the story. What a cop out!

"It would also explain why I'm being taken to court over such a minor mistake!" the white mouse muttered to himself. "It was all just a clumsy excuse to get us all in the courtroom setting! And of course Brunel would be the plaintiff, because the viewers just _love _seeing an idiot in court! Pah! The writers really need to be more creative and clever with their storylines…"

"Does the defense have any witnesses to call to the stand?" the change from Professor Squawkencluck's voice to Jellyfishowitz's woke Danger Mouse up from his bitter thoughts and he instantly sat up, eye widening and sharpening with a newfound alertness.

"Yes, your honor!" he said, before Professor Squawkencluck could speak for him again. "Defense calls… Penfold to the stand!"

"Ok," Jellyfishowitz replied, then he pressed yet another button on his tank and a glowing hole opened up in the ceiling. Out fell Penfold. And a jam sandwich he'd been eating before the random summons to the court.

"Cor! What's going on in here?" he asked, rubbing his rear end as he landed in the defense seat. The portal over his head sealed up again.

"Mr. Penfold," Jellyfishowitz began. "The court has a few questions it would like to ask you concerning one Danger Mouse."

"Court?" Penfold echoed, eyes widening with awe. "Cor! It's just like in the TV shows!" and then he was off, rambling and ranting in amazement about all the drama shows he watched where court hearings were a regular plot point. "And it's just like this one episode where-!"

"Oh good grief!" once again, Danger Mouse rolled his eye as Penfold continued to ramble on, ignorant to what was really going on.

"I told you that if you would just let me handle-" Professor Squawkencluck began, hissing.

"I can handle myself just fine!" Danger Mouse interrupted her angrily as Penfold kept chatting.

"No you can't! Because you know nothing about the court system!" she interrupted him right back.

"And you do?" Danger Mouse snorted. "You're a scientist, not a lawyer!"

"But a lawyer is all about legal and social sciences, so it still counts!" Professor Squawkencluck countered.

"I'm pretty sure that's not how it works," Danger Mouse deadpanned.

"Neither am I, but just go with it!" Professor Squawkencluck admitted, then she gave Danger Mouse a more serious and sincere look, the first non-annoyed expression he'd seen on her face all day. That was how he knew that, this time, it really was in his best interest to listen. So he did.

"This is more than just some silly trial about rule breaking!" the hen whispered urgently. In the background, Jellyfishowitz was trying to get Penfold back on track and Professor Squawkencluck wanted to explain as much to Danger Mouse as she could before Jellyfishowitz succeeded in getting the trial restarted. Every second counted in these next couple of minutes. "Our entire lab could be riding on the back of this case!"

"What?" Danger Mouse was incredulous. Could the stakes really be that high?

"It's because Brunel's absolutely right about how it was his right to be working in our lab and if he manages to successfully convince Jellyfishowitz that you destroyed his work intentionally, it could cost us the lab! I wouldn't put it past Brunel to demand our facilities to be shut down, all in the name of improving his own work over our own!" the hen scowled at the monkey. Scattered brained as he was, Brunel did have his moments of true genius. And it was no secret that Brunel was desperately envious of Professor Squawkencluck and all that she had. If her guess was correct, he was only using this trial as an excuse to put the Danger Agency's lab in a negative light to boost his own credibility.

"That fiend!" Danger Mouse gasped in understanding.

"Exactly," Professor Squawkencluck agreed darkly as she saw that light of understanding finally flicker in Danger Mouse's one yellow eye. "And I've worked as his lawyer before so I know how he thinks!"

"You were his lawyer before?!" Danger Mouse sounded surprised, disbelieving, aghast and betrayed all at once.

"Not by choice," Professor Squawkencluck snapped impatiently. "I just serve whoever Jellyfishowitz asks me to, it's all part of the job!"

"Ah, so it's nothing personal?" Danger Mouse asked, sounding a bit more relieved and happy.

"Of course not! As if I'd ever be Brunel's lawyer by choice!" the hen shot another glare at the monkey. But then her face softened as she turned to face Danger Mouse once again. "But if there was one good thing that came out of working with Brunel, it's that I know how he thinks. I can already predict what he wants to get out of this trial and how and why he did it."

"So what are we going to do about it now?" Danger Mouse demanded next.

"I'm going to try my best to convince Jellyfishowitz that it was an accident, but seeing as you _did_ attack Brunel when he tried to remove you from the lab, it's not going to be easy…" for a second, that old annoyance flashed across Professor Squawkencluck's face again.

"It wasn't my fault!" Danger Mouse's old immaturity returned as well as he tried to argue his position. "I thought he was an intruder!"

"And that's exactly the point he's going to try and make against you!" Professor Squawkencluck squawked. "Oh! Don't you see? This entire thing was a setup! From the second Brunel asked to visit our labs and rent them out for a day, he's been planning the perfect way to get us in trouble and you were the catalyst for that disastrous reaction!"

It was with this sentence that Danger Mouse snapped into game mode. His eye slowly widened as the hen spoke but, the moment she said that Brunel had used him to get to this exact scenario, his eye narrowed once again and he let out a growl, not of anger, but of determination.

"Get him, Squawk, and show him no mercy!" he growled and Professor Squawkencluck gave him a dry smile in return.

"I'm so happy to hear you say that. Let's get this trial back on the road!"

And for the rest of the day, it was a very heated back and forth between the two parties. Brunel was able to put forth very convincing arguments with a lot of footage to back it up, which Danger Mouse now watched with a sense of shame, humiliated and angered that he had been manipulated so well by such an idiot monkey! But Professor Squawkencluck refused to yield, expertly shooting down every single argument Brunel threw at her. Despite himself, Danger Mouse couldn't help but be really impressed with his fine feathered friend and her amazing skill as a lawyer. He never would've guessed it, but maybe she was onto something after all when she'd mentioned that lawyering was a science too. Admittedly, it was more of a social science, but it was a science nonetheless and if there was anyone who could do science, it was Professor Squawkencluck!

Then at last, the hen finally found a winning argument. But it was not without help.

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Danger Mouse was the one to catch it first. The court had been, for roughly the thousandth time that day, reviewing the security footage covering the battle Danger Mouse had with Brunel when Brunel attempted to have him removed from the lab. Brunel had called in a security bot, the very same one acting as a bailiff today, and it was that robot that had thrown Danger Mouse into the table full of chemicals. What Danger Mouse noticed now that everyone had failed to notice before was what was happening in the very background of that particular shot. Before this moment, everyone had only been focused on how the robot had thrown Danger Mouse into the chemical table. What Danger Mouse had just noticed was Brunel's tiny figure in the very corner of the footage.

"It doesn't look like he's moving to attack, defend or flee!" the mouse murmured, studying Brunel's movements closely. None of them resembled any sort of combat move that Danger Mouse had ever learned.

"Can we zoom and enhance?" Professor Squawkencluck and Jellyfishowitz was quick to oblige, focusing the view onto Brunel instead of Danger Mouse or the guard bot. Now, with a clearer view, both Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck could see Brunel fiddling with something. Something rectangular. Something that required fingers to use. A keyboard? … Or a control panel!

It was all over then. The moment Danger Mouse was able to point out the controller, Professor Squawkencluck ran over to the bailiff and, with Jellyfishowitz's consent, she dissected it open. Sure enough, the wiring inside the bot had been tampered with. Although all the wires were back to normal now, it was clear that they had been tampered with in the past. A quick DNA scan revealed that the guilty party had monkey DNA.

"W-w-well, you have no proof that I-" Brunel stuttered, but Professor Squawkencluck interrupted him coldly.

"Let's take a look at some of _your _lab's files, eh Brunel?" she challenged, and the monkey gave a large gulp as Jellyfishowitz replaced the security footage with a screenshot of all of Brunel's latest projects. One of them was a robot remote controller. All one needed was to plug a chip into the desired bot and it would obey the command of whoever held the control panel.

"And the place where the security bot has been tampered with is exactly where that chip would fit in!" Professor Squawkencluck cried as she turned the dissected robot around to face everyone else in the room. She pulled way the wires to reveal a small, rectangular hole in the back of the guard bot's neck, the perfect size for the chip Brunel had invented back in his home lab.

"So Brunel threw me into the table on purpose to frame me for active destruction of his work to make it look like we were in the wrong!" the mouse cried and, for once, Professor Squawkencluck did not tell him to shut up. Instead, she only agreed. Brunel was left shaking.

"Well… uhhh… what can I say? Once a gadgeteer, always a gadgeteer! I just wanted to see if our machinery… was… compatible? Hehehe…" he laughed weakly, but for once, there was nothing but distrust from every eye in the courtroom (minus Jellyfishowitz because, like he had told Danger Mouse earlier, it was hard to convey any sort of expression without a face). Looks like their suspicions were right after all…

"I think I'm ready to announce the verdict," Jellyfishowitz decided. He may not have had a face, but everyone in the room was certain that, if he had, it would've been scowling. The laws of the land and of science had both just turned against Brunel and he knew it was over for him then…

A few seconds later, Brunel was being sent back home in disgrace.

"We did it!" Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck cried in unison as Brunel was sent away. They were quick to leap into one another's arms, embracing tightly. Only after several seconds did they realize what they were doing. Then they were quick to let go of one another and laugh in embarrassment. Now, if Jellyfishowitz had had a face, it would've been amused.

"We are still in a courtroom so, if you wish to change this trial into a marriage-" he teased, tentacle hovering over the gavel button.

"NO!" came Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck's mortified responses and Jellyfishowitz laughed.

"Don't worry," he promised. "I won't insist until you two are ready…" then without another word, he lowered himself out of the judge's seat and rolled out of the courtroom leaving a stunned mouse and hen in his wake.

"Until we're ready? What is that supposed to mean!?" the mouse demanded.

"I don't think I want to know," the hen replied with a wince as Jellyfishowitz wheeled himself away.

The two were, mercifully, torn from that particular thought when they heard Brunel whining bitterly about his defeat, complaining about Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck, insisting that it had all been a very unfair trial. He griped and groaned about everything, unhappy that he had lost and even more unhappy with the penalty: he was never allowed to rent out any other lab ever again. He could work in other labs, but only under close supervision. The only lab where he would ever have complete freedom again was his own.

"It's not fair!" he complained with a pout as he was led towards a teleporter that would send him straight home.

"Be glad we didn't choose to arrest you for lying!" Danger Mouse shot back, and Brunel suddenly went very quiet, another nervous smile creeping across his face as he remembered that his sentence had actually been quite light. He went home without another peep after that. Then, Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck followed in his footsteps and went home as well.

"I have to admit it, mouse, you proved yourself far more competent than I expected," Professor Squawkencluck said.

"Told you I could handle myself!" came the bragging reply as they both headed home.

"Sure you could," Professor Squawkencluck decided to indulge her friend just that one time. But for once, Danger Mouse didn't take it. Instead, he turned a fond gaze back to the hen and shook his head.

"Only when I had you helping me," he insisted sincerely and Professor Squawkencluck felt a blush starting underneath her feathers.

"We make a good team," she said.

"Yes we do," the mouse agreed, then he extended a hand to shake and Professor Squawkencluck offered a wing in return.

"Maybe we should become lawyers!" the mouse murmured excitedly. "Cracking cases in court together and-"

"Absolutely not! I prefer you as an annoying agent, not an annoying attorney!" Professor Squawkencluck cut him off quickly.

"So you _do _like me as an agent?!" Danger Mouse demanded triumphantly and, too late, did Professor Squawkencluck realize her mistake. But for once, she didn't deny it. Instead, she turned a fond gaze back to the mouse and nodded her head.

"Yes I do," she said and Danger Mouse beamed at her proudly. As crazy as that day had been, it hadn't been as bad as either of them had thought.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Sorry for any legal inaccuracies, but I have 0 experience with the court system. Shout out to Zarius for requesting this fic.


End file.
